Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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