I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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