Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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