I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
