he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
