Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
