Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize