the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
