we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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