if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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