i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
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just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
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I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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