i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
