no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
