woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Also, beer. Big fan.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
