On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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