I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
