Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
