Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just invented taco cereal.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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