I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
