What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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