I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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