You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
