sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
