I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
