went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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