I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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