i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
