just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
