I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
