I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
