Farmville is her only friend.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
