??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
