is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
