it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
