If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
