Soap is not a condiment
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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