my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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