Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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