and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
