Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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