I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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