I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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