So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
