I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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