I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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