Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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