rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
