is your mom at the bar?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
