um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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