if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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