I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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