I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
