I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
