Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
