i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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