If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
