Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
