I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Randomize
