so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
