Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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