I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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